The Notebook / The Break-Up

In search for more notebooks throughout the house, I found one with barely any writing in it. Wondering why I haven’t written in it, and in flipping through the pages, I found my answer. Right in the middle, there was a letter from my ex. He knows how much I love writing and when we broke up I asked him to write me a letter for memories. It’s not too personal. In fact, it’s very generic. Looking back, I question how he could write such a generic letter in such an intense moment. Then it dawned on me that he meant it- that every sentence wasn’t as generic as it seemed. Every sentence had a memory, an image, a moment connected to it. Things that we have shared. Things only we would know. Normally I burn letters and throw away things from past relationships, but I wanted to keep a copy of this letter because it reminds me of our break-up. And as exhausting as our break-up was, I think we both hold the memories of the way we broke-up close to our hearts. I think it made a dint in both our hearts.

“To My Beautiful and Amazing Girlfriend,
I just wanted to start by saying thank you. Thank you for being by my side through the tough times and supporting me. You truly are amazing, I’ve never met anyone as smart, kind, genuine and funny as you. You’ve always been there to make me laugh and make me smile. Thank you for the cuddles, the food, and the random cruising sessions. Thank you for introducing me to your life and your family. Thank you for picking me up from work and also the love and affection you give me. I’m very sorry it didn’t work out and I’m very sorry I’m not good at writing letters. Just remember be yourself, be the best and work hard. I’m very sure you will meet someone who will love you and appreciate you. Continue to be amazing. Thank you for the love, I will never forget you. Love David.”

It’s sad that only at the end of the relationship that we show such pure and simple appreciation rather than having a go at each other for what we do and what we don’t do. For what we buy, where we go, what we say and what we don’t say. One of the things I want to take away from this relationship is not picking a fight over every little thing. “Why couldn’t you just look pass it? Why do you have to pick on every single little thing? Why can’t you just drop it?” He asked. To this day, I still can’t answer him. I wish I was different. I wish I was more easy going and carefree.

Back to the notebook. The only other page that was filled was the first page. It was titled “My Life Without David”. Sad isn’t it? That I forgot how to live my life without him that I had to write it down just to visualize it. We were together for two years. I think that no matter what, we would always be thankful for each other. It was honestly such an exhausting break-up and it took so much strength for us to let each other go. The fact that at this present time, we can look back and be thankful for what we went through together and apart, makes it such a beautiful break-up. And mind you, if you were where we were at, there was no beauty in it whatsoever. But the fact that we are thankful for it allowed our experience to fill our heart to a certain degree, despite our temporary grief. It’s a bit of an oxymoron but from where we’re standing now, it was a beautiful break-up.

At the time however, it seemed like goodbye meant nothing at all. That’s the thing about such a private relationship. No one knows but us two. No one could understand even if we wanted them to. We carry our memories into the future together but apart. Memories are dangerous. It paralyzes you. “Be careful who you make memories with. Those things last a lifetime.” It’s true, and I think it’s cruel to create memories with someone you don’t intend to spend forever with. Does it scare you? That the course of relationship leads to either marriage or break-up.

I haven’t seen him since last year, but the constant reminder that he’s still there gets to me from time to time. I dread the thought of seeing him. I don’t want a conversation. I don’t want to catch-up. I don’t want to know how he is or let him know how I am or what we’ve been up to. I just wanted the bridge to be burnt. At most, all I want is a generic “hey, how are you? Good, have a nice day.” It just shows that we’re still polite and respectful to each other, and even though that’s just a quick and simple generic conversation, I know that deep down, we were closing our eyes and paying a tribute to the memories passed.

There’s always something that reminds you of the beginning of a relationship and something that reminds you of the end. “Say you’ll never give away your heart again. I’ll be knockin’ til you let me in,” was our beginning. And we ended with:

“And now we get off the train, we take a backwards glance
Close our eyes and pay a tribute to the memories passed
I light a cigarette in hope that it will calm me down
Cause I can’t beat the urge to tell you not to leave me now
I see a cloud of smoke
Why does she not turn around?
Why does she not get off?
Is it too late now?”

And that’s just how it is. There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice. And you know what makes it worst? When he tells me “even if I fall in love again with someone new, it could never be the same way I loved you.” What’s worst is that I know he means it. I know it’s true. It felt like a never-ending tragic love story. Even though I care for him, as we all do for people who have been a big part of our life, I want to burn the bridge. From the perspective of where we’re standing, our break-up was beautiful. It was beautiful because it made our relationship more real, from my point of view. I feel like our break-up was more real than our relationship. It was beautiful because it was raw. Our hearts were so broken and we both laid our cards on the table. The way David treated me after the break-up showed me that he was such a man. More of a man than I could have imagined. How much he took care of me even after everything that’s happened.

There’s so much to it. I couldn’t ask for more. But I have to question.. when will we fully let each other go? We don’t speak directly. & I guess no one knows what I mean, but at least I know that we do. As tragic and as beautiful as our break-up was and as much as we shared and experienced together.. and as deep as the dint it has made in our hearts.. I can’t carry this into my future. I don’t want it to potentially interfere with my future relationship. I don’t want to meet the love of my life and still find that my past was clinging onto me because I didn’t know how to fully burn the bridge and cut things off. I don’t want to meet my soul mate and ruin the potential of the relationship because I wasn’t fully over my previous relationship. “Your future boyfriend is going to hate me,” he said. And that’s exactly why I must learn to fully let go, so that it doesn’t affect my future.

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About jaz

Life and whatnot. Intoxicated with expectation.
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