Winter’s here.

It’s been 10 days into winter and I still have not cut my hair short. I remember saying, “when the last autumn leaf falls, and the first breeze of the winter wind arrives, I will chop off my hair and I will get over this.” Do I really speak like that? Yes I do, but only to the people I’m closed to and comfortable with. There was this one little issues that I just didn’t seem to get over. Clearly, by my behaviour, I’m still not over it. As I wallowed in it day after day, I just knew it had to end. I couldn’t live like this forever. I couldn’t move on with my life holding on to things in my past. Time limits motivate people. And so I gave myself a time limit. When autumn ends, I would chop off my hair. It was an outward sign that was symbolic of me moving on with my life and letting go of the past, the things that weighed me down. But autumn has already ended, and winter has already begun, and the most I did was trim my hair. I guess I was just not ready. I’m planning to cut it shorter, but I have no idea whether I would go through with it being as short as I originally planned. Not sure if I’m emotionally attached to my hair. This beauty woman that pulled off the short hair look said to me, “you just have to not miss it“. By it, she was referring to the long hair, but you could apply it to so many things in life, like an old habit, an ex-partner, an old friend, an old lifestyle, a moment that was gone. I used to hold onto moments really dear to my heart. Because it meant a lot to me. But as time have passed, I realized what meant a lot to me meant probably close to nothing to other people. Whether it was just a walk along the beach with my bestfriend, spontaneous nights out dancing, staring at the stars together, or playing board games in cozy environments, or just dinner catch ups. And so I learned to let go. I think I purposely numb myself so that things don’t hurt me in the long-run. It has definitely worked well for me. Being emotional has never worked for me. It had never worked in my favour. It took a lot of maturity to realize I was responsible for the way I thought. The only thing I could figure out at this point in time, at the age of 22, was that being numb to emotions really helped me. Not caring really helped me. Just not missing things, and not holding onto things really helped me get through in life. The art of letting go gracefully was probably the most important emotional skill. The ‘graceful’ part of letting go was important. As we get older in life, the whole teenage impulse ‘lets get drunk and high until you forget about the pain’ strategy just doesn’t work anymore. And you have to realize you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You just had to get up and get going as if nothing happened. As if it didn’t even hurt you. Because in life a lot of things are going to hurt you, and even break your heart and you’ve got to figure out a way to get yourself through it without it shattering your world.

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About jaz

Life and whatnot. Intoxicated with expectation.
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