At Katelyne’s 21st a couple of nights ago, her mother was speaking about how proud she was for having such a compassionate daughter as Katelyne. I think it’s moments like these that we live for. Leading up to her birthday, I was questioning so much about whether church life was worth it. There are so many times I just want to rage at them and leave and never come back. I’m still thinking about it, whether I could just hate them and move on with my life. Whether I could just let them go, even though they mean so much to me. They’re like a second family but so often they irritate me. I feel like I’m not appreciated there. I feel like there are so many times I have to hold in my anger and be the bigger person and not rage at people. If other people were being an ass about things, why couldn’t I? The answer is simple. Because I know better. I know better than to get mad at people when they too have flaws. I know that everyone’s still trying to figure things out, and I had to somehow learn to be lenient. I’ve been lenient long enough, I thought. But that’s the thing about making certain choices in life. You’ve got to realize sometimes the choices you make are not temporary, they are for the span of life. They are permanent. That it wasn’t the case of me being so lenient for a year and then that was enough. I had to learn to be lenient for my whole life and I just didn’t know if I could do that. I didn’t know if I want to, because it’s so tiring. Because quite often, I rather just be an ass about things and tell people how I really feel. But I should know better by now that every time I speak the truth, or how I really felt, I always hurt somebody in such a cruel way with my words. And it wasn’t okay for me to say these things. It just wasn’t. I think the better alternative is to not rage, but just leave. Just never come back.
It would mean I miss out on moments like these. Seeing the younger kids in church grow up. Watching us all learn to live a life together. I remember at NYC 2014 in Brisbane, some of the younger boys in our group gave their life to Christ and I just bawled my eyes out. Honestly, I did feel glad for people who give their life to Christ but that’s as far as my emotions went. Having spent the past year closer to Christ, Katelyne and Daniel and the younger kids, I couldn’t contain my emotions when some of them made that decision. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much love and joy in my life and it wasn’t even about me, it was about them. I think that just shows how much I really do care about them. And I’m still not sure whether walking away is worth it.
I want to be compassionate. I wish I was.
I wish the bitterness in me didn’t have such a hold, so that I could feel emotions and love others the way Christ has loved me.
Any who, on a lighter side, here are some photos from Katelyne’s 🙂 Keep in mind, my phone camera is pretty bad.