Pressing On

To be honest, I’m just so tired of my own flaws. It’s exhausting trying to change. It’s like going against who you naturally are. Every time my flaws pop up, I feel so distress, disappointed and just sad that I’m still this selfish. That I haven’t changed. I keep forgetting that everything takes time. And what matters most is if my heart changes. I could sit down and write all the things that a selfless person would do in different circumstances and try to act it out, but if my heart wasn’t in it, I would never be able to keep it up long-term. I thought if I just make it a habit to be selfless, considerate and generous, I would learn to be just that out of habit.

I’m just glad that God has put people in my life to show me what a selfless, generous life looks like. And in turn, they encourage me to be different. I’m hoping a year from now, I can look back and say I’ve changed. I can look back and say my heart is bigger.

I mean, I know for sure I’m not completely heartless. I do care a lot but very selectively. And since when is it required of me to care about everything? Does it make me a bad person if I don’t care about certain things? Perhaps, I’m just distracted from my own personal life, perhaps I just couldn’t see it from someone else’s point of view. But does not caring makes me a bad person? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to change. Solely because other people needed it. I care about homeless people, animals and single mothers. Is that enough? I help when people seriously do need help. I just don’t sit around and involve myself in mundane small-talk, or help people who are taking advantage of you. Was that okay? It was just my bad attitude. Does it really matter? It really did. And that’s what bothered me. That I’m so self-absorbed, I couldn’t see pass myself and my own emotions. To the point that I thought it was unnecessary to be considerate or kind. So at university, I was struggling on one subject, hard. Supply Chain Analysis and Design was honestly a pain in the ass. I met a couple of people who fully helped me with the assignments when I didn’t deserve it. Normally, if I were to help someone else out with university work, I’d make sure they have tried it themselves and are not using me just because they have not studied. But these two guys were so caring and just absolutely generous. I really admired it. No one’s ever done that for me before but now that someone has shown me such kindness, I then continued by helping someone else out. We all studied together for exams and I must be, we rocked it!! We did so well 🙂 And I’m so proud of all of us. I can definitely say, we’ve all become good friends just from our 8-10hours study sessions together pretty much all day, everyday until exam time. We work well together and we had a great time even though it was stressful. One person’s generosity passes on, and that’s exactly why I needed to change. Why I had to be different. Because if I could spread this kindness, I had to start. And to be frank, it had to start within myself. I had to first figure out how to be kind to myself before I can be kind to other people. I had to learn how to be loving towards myself, because I notice that how I treat other people is a reflection of how I treat myself. And it wasn’t okay anymore. I wasn’t okay to be the way I was. “You can’t be like that forever”, I keep telling myself.

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About jaz

Life and whatnot. Intoxicated with expectation.
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